Hey there, sweet girl. I love you.
The softness of your cheeks when I touch your skin with kisses, your sweet milky morning breath when you start babbling the moment I pick you up, the faint smell of sweat on your hair as you nuzzle against my chest after our 5am nursing session, your tiny but demanding fingers that cup my chin and pull at my glasses, and that expression of yours when you are watching the world – mouth slightly agape, your light brows drawn together and your dark eyes so focused – before that gorgeous smile of yours bursts through because you see me watching you.
I squirrel away those memories, Estelle. I consciously tuck away the moments into my heart like little treasures. You bring out a tenderness in me I thought only the most emotion-laden documentaries paired with the highest of hormone levels could make me feel. I want to care for you and nurture you with a ferocity that brings out the proudest of mama bear tears.
When Daddy went back to work after you were born, I used to tease him about how he seems to literally breathe you and your brother in every time he holds one of you. He simply but sincerely answered, “I am.” Then I tried doing it myself. And you know what? Wow. When we are up close, nose to nose, eyes crinkled in a shared smile…time stills to the rhythm of our matching heartbeats. And then you duck your head and rest against me so trustingly, so fully.
Oh, sweet girl. Sweet girl! You are only five months old and this is how I already feel. How will you wreck me (in the best of ways) just five weeks from now? Five months? Five years? Good Lord, have mercy on this nowhere-near-perfect mama of yours as I navigate life alongside you, Estelle. Never have I imagined that having a daughter would touch me in such a way.
Nowadays you want to be around me all the time, preferably in my arms as close as possible. It can be utterly inconvenient to the day’s plans. And yet…and yet, it is completely adorable and welcome. My prayers for being a present mother has been answered yet again with a child who feels loved physically and through quality time spent together. You are teaching me, baby, to be a better person. Thank you.